Ups and downs 2

Feeling rather better; still lethargic but reasonably cheerful with it. Have booked the rest of the week off as holiday to unwind.

The answer to Mr Fry's question is no, I wouldn't.

I fell into the canal yesterday. It was wet and rather smelly, and I had to swim. And of course it happened while I was turning the boat round at the far point of our trip, so it was half an hour paddling back while drenched.

Strangely, that was one of the better points of the day. Depression has descended fast and heavily. The walk to work this morning felt like about 6 miles. I just want to close my eyes and blank everything out. I've been at work for 2 hours and so far I've printed out about 20 pages of documents and copied some files.

Even this blog entry is taking ages; I'm doing a lot of staring at the screen and not much else.

I have 8 hours of meetings in London tomorrow. As well as the travelling there and back. Once Iget that out of the way the rest of the week should be straightforward.

Beloved is off to Italy on Wednesday to play frisbee on a nice warm beach. The plan is to keep going so that he doesn't have to cancel his trip. The next plan is to keep going so that Son doesn't have to deal with everything in his absence. Hopefully after that I'll be better anyway.

Stupid bloody illness.

Dear Mr Fry used cocaine to deal with it apparently. I wonder if that works?

Son and I watched Blade Runner: the Director's Cut last night. I started off by mentioning to Son that it had been years since I'd seen the original. About 10 minutes in the shocking truth dawned on me; I have never seen this film in any of its incarnations.

the plot, I know. the characters, I recognise. the main themes, I can discuss. But the actual celluloid pictures; nope.

I lay awake for, oh at least 5 minutes last night, wondering what other experiences I'm deluding myself into thinking I must have had.

Diplomacy. I must have played Diplomacy, surely. All those conversations about it... But no, a look at the rules and the pieces convinced me that this never happened.

Have I read Dracula? Of course I've read Dracula. But have I? Or have I just watched films, seen documentaries, played the board game? I don't know any more.

I know I've never seen Forbidden Planet. But how about Planet of the Apes? I've certainly read the book, but have I seen the film? Or just the clips?

Maybe there are places I've never actually been to, music I'v never heard, all comfortably residing in that tick box of doneness. Maybe I think I've met people that I never have. Today my world is in tatters, or at least slightly frayed at one edge.

Blade Runner was very absorbing. Neither Son nor I subscribe to the replicant hypothesis but we had fun reading up on it on Wikipedia. It could have done with a llama though. I had of course (of course?) read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, at least once, back when I had the patience to cope with Philip K Dick.

I was rather sorry to hear about Steve Irwin. I didn't watch much of his stuff- I tend to prefer my documentaries about snakes focussing less on their dangerousness and more on their interestingness (so far I haven't seen a single one which actually meets these criteria) - but there's something tragic about people who spend their lives doing dangerous things and then actually die from it. And I think he must have been unlucky with the sting ray as well. I like the fact that he is reported in "UK news", presumably on the basis that he's white, speaks English (almost) and isn't an American.

Recovered from my 48 hours of feeling dire and now rather perky. Missing my phone though (and in particular my phonebook). Saw a kingfisher yesterday while I was out paddling.

I'm a bit baffled about the new legislation on violent porn.

"Material featuring violence that is, or appears to be, life-threatening or is likely to result in serious and disabling injury" would appear to cover about 75% of Hollywood's output. Maybe putting it in the context of a story, however thin, makes it acceptable. Interesting idea, that still images are more corrupting than moving ones.

and why are images more corrupting than words?

Spoke to my psychologist today; told her that I didn't consider myself particularly psychologically disturbed so I felt that therapy was unlikely to be useful. It appeared to be the first thing I'd ever said that she found reasonable! So we have parted on civil terms. Nothing left but the drugs now.

Clip on the radio yesterday- richard branson from rail privatisation days, promising a hostess in every carriage and cartoon network for the kiddies.

Yesterday, while manouvering long and pointy kayak along bank prior to launch, I hear loud splash as something small and rock-like is swept off bank into the water.

Today I fail to find my mobile phone, and calls to it fail.

Could these two events possibly be connected?

I now have cheap but nevertheless remarkably overfunctionalised replacement at 1/5th the cost, and will wait impatiently until my contract runs out and I can get another beautiful one.

Too much paddling, not enough sleep, certainly not enough time to myself. Six weeks till my maths exam and 6 weeks' worth of coursework to finish, which doesn't leave much time for revision. Fun but concentrated summer activities over and general exhaustion setting in.

Fortunately apart from a tutorial in Brum tomorrow am I have the weekend to myself- Beloved is off throwing things, Son visiting friend for weekend, so I might be able to catch up on recovery.

Paddling is fun despite the aches and pains. I particularly like the fact that people on towpath are much more willing to say hello if one is clearly not in a position to stop and talk to them. Similarly I can cheerfully greet dodgy looking males on the bank knowing that there is a large body of water between us.

I realised yesterday that paddling down canal makes me a Person who Does Things, not a category I am used to. Joggers nod approvingly as if I were a fellow SportsPerson. Pottering up and down in the club boats merely made me a Dabbler but having my own boat and equipment (even if the paddle is too large for me- mine should be arriving in a couple of weeks) makes me an Enthusiast. Along with the wonderful muscles that will no doubt be along any day now that is justification enough for raiding Son's savings account to pay for it all.

Wondering what to do about Christmas. After several family years we feel it is time we had the week to ourselves, but staying at home is unlikely to work- I shall feel obliged to join in the family gatherings a short distance away. A cottage is a nice idea but a bit pricy over Christmas week for only three of us. The YHA options are under consideration but might turn out to be gruesome. Bit chilly for camping!

Back to work- just need to keep eyes open for another 3 hours. Son is having his RPG group around tonight so the leftover lemonade and biscuits should soon disappear.