Ups and downs 2

So glad I'm taking all three mood stabilisers. Because THEY ARE NOT WORKING! Nor am I, to all intents and purposes. My dear policy colleague, who is always so nice about my work and so appreciative of the technical support, was getting distinctly irritated today.

Him "What's your technical advice advice about the urgent issue on X?"
Me, " Sorry, that email looked a bit boring so I stopped reading it."
Him "Arrgghhh!"

He waved me goodbye with a very firm "We will talk on Thursday." And a sigh.

I guess there's a difference between knowing someone's bipolar and finding out just how they change from the person you are used to dealing with. And the way it can be rather different every time; one high will be fast speech, endless jokes and overexcitement but a huge level of involvement in whatever's going on (he's met that one already), another time will be like this; permanently distracted, with no time or interest in work or normal conversation.

I'm writing. Pretty much every spare minute. I wrote all Sunday evening. I wrote on the train on Monday morning. I sat in my hotel room and wrote for 4 hours last night. I wrote on the train coming home; nearly missed my stop because I didn't want to lift the pencil. I wrote over a cup of tea, waiting for Beloved to pick me up. We finished off our game of Antiquity and I wrote between turns. When I'm not writing its in my head anyway, phrases, images.

I've written a long biographical screed about important things. I'm painfully aware that it's a bit like those pastel books with dreadful titles about miserable childhoods that I wouldn't dream of reading (except that mine isn't miserable, just weird). The urge to complete the catharsis by publishing it somewhere is warring with the knowledge that no-one wants to know this stuff, and why should they? If it turns up here, the urge won. I suggest you skip it. But just writing it has helped. Some things, unexpected things, trigger emotional storms; if I can understand where they came from, go over things yet again, I can find some calm again. Emotional storm really isn't me.

I've also written a story. Sort of story. In fanfic terms it's angst/character study I guess. Notable for a lack of sex and (graphic) violence; very unlike me. But the themes are what I need to write about at the moment. If you read both together it would be obvious. It's on its third iteration, and getting better. But then I would think that. I'll post it to A Teaspoon... shortly and see if anyone likes it.

Day off tomorrow, as usual. Beloved has the day off too; he's finding getting back to work very tiring. Though he reckons a day off with me at the moment is more exhausting.

My story is calling me.

In a fit of hypomanic enthusiasm I've joined the Bipolar World webring.
If I feel too exposed to the world I can always leave again.